Growing up in a christian family, naturally, I went with the flow of what I was told, but as I entered the teenage years I began to think for myself. I started to question why I do what I do. Why go to school? Why become successful? Why collect pleasant memories when the decaying brain that contains them will be food for the worms? The doctor heals a patient, but in the end they both die. What's the point? A generation brings world peace, but the following uproots it. The vanity in all things drove me mad and I spiraled into a deep depression when I saw that everyone lives under the illusion of reason.
At age 16, I dropped out of high school and moved to Southern California for a job opportunity as a media producer. The change in environment gave me a couple months of optimism, but the emptiness eventually followed. Arriving at a point of almost snapping, I discovered the "medicinal benefits" of psychedelics which I prescribed to myself in heavy doses.
The way it would take me out of reality and bring me to one that was full of mystery and limitless possibilities distracted me from the fact that life was meaningless. This was the answer to my depression, I'll just get high everyday! So for a period of a couple years I would get out of bed, brush my teeth, and spark up a joint. When I wasn't high, I'd fall right back into my empty state. Three years of a bi-polar wonderland/nightmare. During this time I was an agnostic with the belief that nobody knows truth, truth is relative.
Eventually I moved back to New England where I leached off my mother's hospitality for over a year. I felt a darkness come over me during this time, filling my head with sadistic thoughts, self pity, and destruction. I couldn't handle being sober for a moment. I wished I could trip forever never to come down. One particular night I was in the grips of this darkness when I became overwhelmed. I cried out to God in desperate prayer to change me. Well the following night he did just that...
I got high as usual and started to walk inside the house. As I was walking through the parlour, this thought came into my head, "I wonder what it's like to be schizophrenic". As soon as I thought this, God pulled the veil off my eyes and I saw reality for what it was apart from all my associations. Everything I knew become foreign, my own body was alien. I perceived my senses as if I never experienced them before. It's not possible for me to put it into words what exactly happened, but it was as if God pressed the reset button on my brain. Terror beyond anything I've ever known overtook me. I hoped that I would be normal again in the morning, but upon waking up, this new way of perceiving was even more prevalent which brought an even greater wave of terror. This fear gripped me for a sleepless week.
For that week, God held my eye lids open and I saw. I saw my existence. I saw that existence itself is supernatural. I saw that I was created by the hand of God and that I exist for him and him alone. It was after a week that God gave me peace like I never felt before. A joy so complete and pure that couldn't be taken away. I felt like a new creation with a renewed mind.
It's been over three years since I've been born again. Over the course of these years I've been praying for guidance in what I can do to follow Christ. Through certain providences I feel our creator has led me to Thailand and I trust his hand to lead me day by day until he leads me somewhere else.
"And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever." 1 john 2:17